Political/moral paradoxes for Republicans in 2004:
they must believe concurrently that:
1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. The United States should get out of the United
Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against
Iraq.
3. Standing Tall for America means firing your workers
and moving their jobs to India.
4. A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions
affecting all humankind without regulation.
5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for m your recovery.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans benefits and combat
pay.
7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless
you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.
9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation and money.
10. HMOs and insurance companies make huge profits and
have the interest of the public at heart.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
13. It is okay that the Bush family's Carlisle Group
has done millions of business with the Bin Laden family.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and
Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war
on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, but then a bad !
guy again when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as
the war President.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is
an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD existence to
enlist support for an unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation, in which
thousands soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid defense policy in a
War against Terrorism.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which should include banning gay marriages and
censoring the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed
in his Daddy's library, and is none of our business.
18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s
was of vital national interest but what Bush did in the 80's is irrelevant.
19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your
Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to
graduate from Yale without studying much, to dodge the draft in the Texas Air
National Guard, to bail out your companies (Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers),
to get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme
Court appoint you President of the USA.
21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like
there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have
to pay, while at the same refunding as much tax money as possible to rich
people who do not need it.
Contemplating these illogical paradoxes can take a
toll on a healthy mind. So if a friend of yours has been acting a bit dazed
and confused lately, be nice: he or she may be a Republican.
